Why is the progressive message appealing to only 50% of the population, instead of 95% of it?

Just a few quick, delicious shots of insightfulness about terrorism, Santa Claus, traumatized fish and Facebook.

Uber-exclusive and expensive private colleges and universities are not good causes worthy of your support.

Are you an organ donor or a heatless monster?

I'll give you six headlines, you guess who wrote them. Note: almost no one will find this article funny.

Spoiler Alert: I hate you.

I’m not exactly sure what questions my grandchildren will ask in 2070. All I know is this: I hope they don’t ask any questions about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Because I can’t imagine what I’ll say.

It's a retractable net, pulsing with high-voltage electricity, that hooks onto a headboard and can be stretched across the middle of your bed, keeping your partner far away from your side of the mattress.

Just imagine if at the end of every workday you could take a mental vacation to Bora Bora, and play beer pong against Winston Churchill with 180-year-old Macallans, while a dozen Chinchillas rolled around playfully on your back.

Disclaimer: pharmaceutical lobbyists paid me tens of millions of dollars to write this rant.