Between You And DIE
October 21, 2013

Between You And DIE

Filed under Public Enemies

Look, the world is full of horrible people.  It can be hard to keep track of all the humans you should hate. I understand. There’s Bashar Al-Assad, Christopher Columbus, my 8th Grade girlfriend who cheated on me on New Year's Eve, Attorney General Eric Holder, King Joffrey--- the list goes on.

That said, it’s important to prioritize, which is why I want to call attention to a particularly heinous sub-section of humanity: people who say “between you and I.” There is an uncluttered spot in hell reserved for these people.

Now listen, I am not one of these Grammar Nazis you come across in life. Really. I’m not gonna say “It is I” after ringing a fucking doorbell, I don’t care how correct it is (very correct, btw). And I frequently say “Me and my friends went to Chipotle” because, come on, “My friends and I” just sounds toolish.   

But saying “between you and I” is a whole other story. That is not acceptable behavior. Why? It’s simple: because the only thing worse than being pretentious is being bad at it.  “People” who say “between you and I” are going out of their way to sound smart, but they’re failing, miserably.

Once, I even saw a girl correct a guy for saying “between you and me.” She interrupted him to issue that in-correction. 

Did you just vomit a little in your mouth? Good.

Ok, so how can we eradicate these people from the gene pool? Now I am not going to suggest we forcibly sterilize everyone who says “between you and I,” if that’s what you’re thinking. Let's stay calm. What I am going to suggest is that we passively sterilize them by refusing to ever have sex with someone who commits this unforgivable crime. This suggestion is mostly directed at women, the only gender capable of selective breeding.  Ladies, I don’t care if it’s your wedding day and your husband has just said “I does” --- if afterwards he turns to you and says “Between you and I, Uncle Tim is an alcoholic,” you must stay celibate for the good of mankind. 

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