Public Enemy #4: People Who Have Read “Game Of Thrones”
June 14, 2014

Public Enemy #4: People Who Have Read “Game Of Thrones”

Filed under Public Enemies

If I were the head of a noble family in Westeros, the flayed Game of Thrones reader would be on my banner. People who have “read the books” need to be ritualistically sacrificed to the Lord of Light, or sent to The Wall until the series finale. Why do I so passionately hate this community? For three reasons:

1)     Subtle And Not-So-Subtle Spoiler Alerts

Like Arya Stark, I fall asleep reciting the names of people who have ruined Game of Thrones surprises for me. What is wrong with you people, honestly? And I’m not just angry about the Grade A Spoilers, like “Can you believe Lord X of House Y is going to get decapitated?"

Equally offensive are the Grade B Spoilers, like “I can’t wait for you to see tonight’s episode, something BIG is going to happen.” Listen, asshole, I do not need your help getting excited for a new GoT episode --- all you’ve just done is poison my viewing experience. As you may have noticed, sometimes nothing important happens, and if it does, it’s usually in the last 5 minutes, so you telling me to brace myself for a cataclysmic character death is still NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.

Reading fantasy novels is supposed to be a shameful experience. You are not supposed to be proud of the fact that you spent hours of your life reading about dragons and witches and snow zombies. When Lord of the Rings was made into a movie, I did not struggle to conceal the truth that Gandalf was not really dead, even though I’d read the books in the 4th Grade. This is not the first time a book has been made into a TV show, it’s just the first time so many horrible human beings have read the book.  You people are the reason no one in this country reads anymore.

2)      Speculating Alongside Non-Readers, As If You’re One Of Us

You are not one of us. If I share my theories on what’s going to happen, do not share your theories too, as if we are all in this together. I don’t care if it “hasn’t happened in the books yet,” you are privy to all kinds of information that I am not, which means that certain scenarios will seem less likely to you than they will to me. And wipe that smug fucking expression off of your face when I say that I think The Hound will kill The Mountain or that the dragons will melt The Wall and the White Walkers. The look in your eyes is so revealing that you might as well just say aloud “that’s not going to happen.” New rule for you “readers”: unless you are wearing a burqa or have a paper bag over your head, you must face the wall silently while the rest of us speculate about future episodes of Game of Thrones.

3)     Filling In All The Little Background Details From The Books

“Oh, that’s Megmar Targarayan, his grandfather was Shmegmar Targaryan, don’t you remember, he ate Suzie Barathean’s babies raw at the Battle Of The Flutesnot.” Shut up. Just SHUT UP. Listen to me, nerd, I am trying to watch a television show. I did not sign up for a rich trans-media storytelling experience that will unfold both on and off the screen. I am not a clueless Stone Age hunter gathered round a fireside, absorbing an ancient oral tradition from you, the wise village elder. It doesn’t matter that Megmar’s back-story was already revealed two seasons ago --- I don’t remember it, which means it’s a secret. If the screenwriters need me to remember who ate whose babies at which battle, they will remind me within the TV show. Respect the boundaries of the screen or your head will be thrown into Slaver’s Bay.

I dedicate this rant to my sister, Carie. I love you Carie, but do not come near me for the next 48 hours. 

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