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  • 5 Mini Rants For Christmas
    December 19, 2015

    5 Mini Rants For Christmas

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    Just a few quick, delicious shots of insightfulness about terrorism, Santa Claus, traumatized fish and Facebook.

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  • You Shouldn’t Donate A Single Dollar To Your Alma Mater
    May 18, 2015

    You Shouldn’t Donate A Single Dollar To Your Alma Mater

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    Uber-exclusive and expensive private colleges and universities are not good causes worthy of your support.

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  • Click Here To Find Out If You’re A Horrible Person!
    December 14, 2014

    Click Here To Find Out If You’re A Horrible Person!

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    Are you an organ donor or a heatless monster?

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  • Name That New York Times Columnist!
    October 5, 2014

    Name That New York Times Columnist!

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    I'll give you six headlines, you guess who wrote them. Note: almost no one will find this article funny.

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  • The History That Never Happened
    May 31, 2014

    The History That Never Happened

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    I’m not exactly sure what questions my grandchildren will ask in 2070. All I know is this: I hope they don’t ask any questions about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Because I can’t imagine what I’ll say.

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  • What It's Like To Be A Man Who Doesn't Care About Sports
    February 2, 2014

    What It's Like To Be A Man Who Doesn't Care About Sports

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    Being a man who doesn’t give a shit about sports is a lot like being a Jew on Christmas, if it was Christmas every single day of the year.

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  • 3 Tips To Becoming A Great Secret Keeper
    December 18, 2013

    3 Tips To Becoming A Great Secret Keeper

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    If I were to list out my five hundred most admirable qualities, my gift for keeping secrets would easily make the cut. Find out how you can be more like me.

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  • 2 Reasons You’re An Idiot If You Don’t Hire Humanities Majors
    December 8, 2013

    2 Reasons You’re An Idiot If You Don’t Hire Humanities Majors

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    Everyone is pooping on English majors these days. And yet, 30% of the average workday is spent reading and writing pointless e-mails, and the other 40% is spent bullshitting in meetings. Who the deuce do you think is best equipped for that kind of work?

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  • Top 5 Lists Of All Time, Ever
    November 17, 2013

    Top 5 Lists Of All Time, Ever

    Filed under Rants and Raves

    Now that I have my own website, all I need is millions of people to visit it every day. And according to my extensive research, one of the easiest ways to accomplish that is for me to start compiling asinine lists of things.

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Rants and Raves

Vitriolic ramblings too inane to categorize. 

Most Beloved Articles

  • "Row Row Row Your Boat" Is A Totally Twisted Fucked Up Song
  • The Civil Rights Movement Was A Failure
  • What It's Like To Be A Man Who Doesn't Care About Sports
  • 2 Reasons You’re An Idiot If You Don’t Hire Humanities Majors
  • Please Stop Telling Me That I Can’t Compare Apples to Oranges

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