Top 5 Lists Of All Time, Ever
November 17, 2013

Top 5 Lists Of All Time, Ever

Filed under Rants and Raves

Now that I have my own website, all I need is millions of people to visit it every day. And according to my extensive research, one of the easiest ways to accomplish that is for me to start compiling asinine lists of things. Unfortunately the best material has already been taken. 7 Deadly Sins? 101 Dalmatians? 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover? Taken, all of ‘em.    

So what’s left? Top 3 Fascist Dictators? 8 Times I Wish I’d Peed Before Leaving The House? Top 1 Worst Series Finales of Lost?  11 Reasons Why I Should Get That Mole On My Back Checked Out?

No, I’ll tell you what’s left --- this definitive list of the best lists ever.

Best List #9

BuzzFeed’s Seminal “29 Cats That Forgot How To Cat.”

Brilliantly self-aware, harbinger of a new era in online journalism, shattered the convention of lists coming in 5/10/50/100s.

Best List #8

The Onion’s “10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets.”

Tough to choose between that one and “10 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Abducted And Murdered By Andie MacDowell.” Both serve as thought-provoking meta-commentaries on the nature of lists --- do we click them because we like clicking? Is it for the pictures? Is it for the captions? Are we just lonely?

Best List #7

The AV Club’s “Best Scenes in Worst Movies.”

Most of the YouTube links have been killed by copyright infringement laws, but it’s still a poignant reminder that every horrible cultural experience has a silver lining, even The Phantom Menace.

Best List #6 will always have a warm, gooey place in my heart.

Finally, a celebration of white culture and comprehensive overview of my race’s preferences. Highlights include “expensive sandwiches, having two last names, Arrested Development, the idea of soccer, standing still at concerts” and “knowing what’s best for poor people.”

 Best List #5

This random guy’s “Top 100 pictures of 2012.” Some really sexy scintillating Earth Porn in there, kids. Lotta other winners on the site too, like “10 Amazing Close-Ups of Snowflakes.” 

Best List #4

Eater’s “20 Epic New York Sandwiches To Eat Before You Die.” I have no comment on the choices, only on the fact that I’ve lived here for 25 years and have never had a single one of these sandwiches, meaning that contrary to popular belief, there really is a reason for me to continue living.

Best List #3

The New Yorker’s “Top 100 Lists.” Shindler’s List made the cut, and now this is a list within a list within a list AHHHHHHHH!!!

Best List #2

Wikipedia's Man Eating Animals With The Highest Death Tolls. Information doesn't get much more useful than this. A Bengal Tiger that killed 430 Indians in the 19th Century? A pack of wolves that ate 40 Frenchmen in Paris in the 1450's?! (To be fair to the wolves, the Parisians were probably acting douchey.) This list has it all. Gustave the Crocodile is still alive and feasting on human flesh (over 200 served)! 

Best List #1

US News and World Report’s “Top National Universities.”

This is, quite simply, the greatest list of all time. It’s just as arbitrary and meaningless as 29 Cats Who Forgot How To Cat, the only difference is that it’s not harmless.  Instead, this ‘lil list has inflicted massive damage on American society, profiting off our status anxieties whilst perpetuating a failed model of higher education that defines “success” as exclusivity and unaffordability. The Atlantic has been kind enough to compile a list of the Top 5 Criticisms of US News and World’s College Rankings, which includes Malcolm Gladwell’s epic takedown.

A list that can fuck up a whole country? Damn, I salute you, US News and World Report.

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