8 Girls I Used To Date
December 15, 2013

8 Girls I Used To Date

Filed under Rants and Raves

It dawned on me the other day that I haven’t been single in a very, very long time. Sometimes I find myself thinking about the glory days, back when I was still in the game, and all the loves I’ve had and lost. There’s a few ex-girlfriends in particular that I’ve just never been able to get out of my head.     

1. Charlize Theron

What went wrong with Charlize? I don’t know, man. I think relationships only work if the two of you are like equally into each other, and Charlize was just a little…clingy.

 2. Christie Turlington


We met in the Hamptons back in ’95 when she was still modeling for Calvin Klein. She was 26, I was 7. I had a lot of fun with Christie, honestly, but we were just living in different worlds.

 3. Natalie Portman

Yes, I’ll admit it: I thought Natalie was the one. Nice Jewish girl, smart, sexy --- my Bubby still asks about her. But I feel like she just didn’t get me.

4. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

I’ll never forget when we first met. It was 1896 and I was suing the State of Louisiana in the landmark Supreme Court Case Plessy v. Ferguson. Ruthie winked at me from the bench and afterwards we went out for cocktails. I guess when you have such a fiery, passionate love affair, like me and Ruth did, the romance just burns up so fast --- like gasoline on a stack of newspapers. After 5 months, the spark was gone. She still sends me a frisky Snapchat every year on my birthday.

5. Elizabeth Hurley


Long distance --- Skype can’t always make it work. 

 6. Brooke Burke

I feel like I was just a hot piece of ass to Brooke. It quickly became obvious that she was using me for my body.  

7. Cat Stevens

Oh Cat. Cat, Cat, Cat. How I loved running my fingers through her hair, or when she’d softly sing to me as we fell asleep beneath the stars in the Mongolian desert. I said I could forgive her after the first Fatwa against me, but when it happened again, I knew it was never going to go back to the way it was. 

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