3 Tips To Becoming A Great Secret Keeper
December 18, 2013

3 Tips To Becoming A Great Secret Keeper

Filed under Rants and Raves

I’m a really great person for a variety of reasons that neither of us has time to get into right now. But if I were to list out my five hundred most admirable qualities, my gift for keeping secrets would easily make the cut, sandwiched right in between “willingness to die for Pellegrino” and “ability to quote every Bane line in The Dark Knight Rises.” (You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it. Moooolded by it.)

A lot of people ask me: “Hey, Peter, how are you so good at keeping secrets?” And I’m like, “I’ll never tell.” HAHAHAHA! GET IT?! Because that’s a secret, and I said I’m good at keeping secrets, so then I can’t tell the secret of my secrecy?!?!

God, someone should really just beat me to death.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the tips. Well, dear reader, as a reward for clicking on this link to my website, I am going to let you in on my ‘lil secret.

The Daily Ranter Presents: How To Be A Great Secret Keeper:

 1) Be so utterly self-absorbed that it would never occur to you to share information about someone else.

2) Be a forgetful absent-minded fuck who was thinking about chicken sandwiches while someone was telling you a secret and so you failed to fully process the information and the garbled mass of words you vaguely recall fluttering through your ears can’t be re-assembled into anything that resembles gossip. Something about cheating on someone somewhere.

3) Be a totally paranoid psychopath who would love to reveal someone else’s secret but is held at bay by a crippling fear of being exposed as a traitor.

These are the rules. Live by all of them, as I do, and you will be remembered as one of history’s greatest confidantes, in the illustrious company of luminaries like Helen Keller. So please, beloved friends, tell me all your secrets. No one will ever find out except me, the NSA, Edward Snowden, The Guardian, and an outraged international community.  

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