Click Here To Find Out If You’re A Horrible Person!
December 14, 2014

Click Here To Find Out If You’re A Horrible Person!

Filed under Rants and Raves

Look, I’m not a particularly good person. I give very little money to charity. I call my grandparents once every twelve years. When tourists ask me for directions to Times Square, I vomit black acid into their eyes, like a riled up dilaphasaurus. I’ve only volunteered once in my life and it was to taste test an assortment of Olive Oils at Whole Foods.

So far be it from me to judge you, anonymous website visitor. Unless of course you are not an Organ Donor, in which case...ARE YOU A FUCKING SOCIOPATH?

First, let me spray some truth sauce all over your brain: 21 people die every day waiting for an organ. There are 123,000 humans waiting for a transplant right now. And meanwhile, only 45% of Americans are organ donors. 

What the hell is wrong with you, 55% of Americans who refuse to donate their organs? You’re already DEAD. Who cares what happens to your body? When did you get so attached to your fucking pancreas --- you’ve never even met it!

Do you think this is like The Mummy or some shit, and if your organs aren’t perfectly preserved in ceremonial jars your disciples will be unable to re-animate your corpse? Did you think Face/Off was a cautionary tale?

Don’t you want to look slimmer in your coffin? The large intestine adds 10 pounds.

I’d tell you to kill yourself, but unfortunately no good would come of it.

If you talk to non-organ-donors, you’ll hear a lot of very stupid excuses for their profoundly unethical behavior. The dumbest one, of course, is that organ donation is “against my religion.” Listen man, if your God commands you not to save the lives of people who are going to die unless you give up a liver that you’re not even using, then He/She sounds like kind of a dick to me. Are you sure you don’t worship the devil? Also, wake up: Pellegrino is the One True God.

The second dumbest excuse has to be that “doctors won’t work as hard to save my life if I’m an organ donor.” First of all, Jesus, that is DARK. How did you even think of that? What kind of twisted doctors have you been hanging out with? You really think a nurse is gonna whisper to your heart surgeon: “Hey Dr. Gupta, just FYI, this 26 year old is an organ donor, so just re-attach his aorta with a chewed up Gummy Bear and let’s get outta here!” Do me a favor and don’t donate your brain to anyone…

There’s a lotta ideas floating around on how best to increase organ donations. Some policy makers think an easy trick would be to just make organ donation an “opt out” situation rather than an “opt in” one. Yea, I’m sure relying on human idiocy would work quite well, but here’s a thought: maybe we should just rely on human decency instead. Like, maybe instead of a paperwork gimmick, we should just publically shame non-organ-donors for their repulsive immorality?

Anyway, it’s never too late to redeem yourself, depraved non-organ-donor. Just click here sometime before your death: http://www.organdonor.gov/becomingdonor/

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