5 Mini Rants For ChristmasFiled under Rants and Raves
Rant 1: Terrorism Is A Scam
What happened in Paris and San Bernardino is a tragedy, but don’t sacrifice an inch of your personal freedom for “safety” from a non-existent threat, and pay no heed to politicians and journalists who want to “obliterate” and “annihilate” our enemies. There is a 0% chance that any of these macho assholes will actually volunteer to fight in a war and have their legs blown off in the desert.
Unfortunately, both the media and the terrorists profit off your fear. CNN is essentially ISIS’s PR Agency, and it’s disgusting. I’m glad we had this talk.
Rant 2: Here’s Three Billion Dollar Product Ideas
As you know, The Daily Ranter has developed some of the best-selling products in history, including The Electrified Bed Fence and The Jewish Snorkeling Mask. Here’s a sneak peak at our product roadmap, coming out of beta just in time for Christmas.
1) Scholarship Fund that sends Libertarians to Somalia, where they can finally be free from the tyranny of a strong centralized government --- enjoy y’all!
2) Couches made out of the same material as dog’s noses. What the fuck is that material? It’s like moist leather. Amazing.
3) Mandatory Stargazing Classes for people freaking out about dumb inconsequential shit (eg: any stressed-out person in the advertising industry)
Rant 3: The Santa Con Seems Very Risky To Me
I’m fascinated by The Santa Con. Not SantaCon, the drunk Long Island trash convention, although that seems risky to me too (what if a bro from Syosset spills all his hair gel on you and you get frozen in place for all eternity!?). I’m talking about The Santa Con, as in, the way devout Christian adults convince their children that Santa is real and then eventually reveal it was all an elaborate lie.
Isn’t that a very slippery slope? So you tell your kids tons of tall tales about magical beings who can turn water into wine, come back from the dead, and shimmy down chimneys with toys, and then one day reveal that SOME of those tales were make believe --- but only SOME of them. I mean, couldn’t there be collateral damage? What if the kid starts to wonder what exactly makes God more real than Santa Claus? Awkward…
Rant 4: “Fish Out Of Water” Is Destined For The Best-Seller List
I want to write an award-winning short story about a fish that gets pulled out of water for the first time by a fisherman, but escapes.
First the fish starts to totally freak out, like “What the FUCK, there is a whole alternate universe outside the sea where up is down and the air is toxic to breathe and giant mammals butcher you on the decks of their floating machines! Was it just a horrifying dream? Am I still dreaming? Am I trapped in a dream world, like Marion Cotillard in Inception?”
The traumatized fish also develops a severe eating disorder --- “how can I just casually eat sardines knowing there’s a chance it contains a metallic hook that will suck me into an alternate universe?” Anyway, a bunch of other shit happens too, like some friends become enemies, enemies become friends, and everyone ends up richer from the experience. The End.
Rant 5: Facebook Has Made Marriage Relevant Again
Social Psychologists need to start studying how Facebook influences cultural norms. I suspect that the steady declines in marriage rates will be reversed by Mark Zuckerberg --- consciously or subconsciously, couples are excited to get married so they can post their adorable engagement photos to Facebook, which causes ripple effects of FOMO, infecting the minds of other couples until everyone has proposed. Facebook will save Weddings just like it saved Birthdays.