Love Letter To Two Over The Counter Pharmaceuticals
March 9, 2014

Love Letter To Two Over The Counter Pharmaceuticals

Filed under Unexpected Positivity

Disclaimer: pharmaceutical lobbyists paid me tens of millions of dollars to write this rant.

As an internationally renowned cultural commentator, it’s my job to identify new trends and reveal their existence to you, the unwashed masses. For instance, I recently noticed that white people, instead of writing “hahaha” on gchat, have suddenly started writing “bahaha” instead. Where this “B” prefix came from, only our Lord Xenu knows, but one things for sure: it’s going to take Asia by storm.

One trend I’ve been thinking about lately is when superior technologies somehow fail to gain widespread popularity. The most classic example I can think of is the Concorde. The Concorde was the only commercial aircraft capable of supersonic flight. It could fly from New York to Paris in three hours, and it also happened to look like the Batwing. You’d think “super fucking fast airplane” would have been a successful innovation, but no, somehow you idiots forgot to buy enough tickets, and now the Concorde has gone the way of the Yak Bak.

Anyway, I bring all of that up because I’m concerned that we, as a society, are currently experiencing another “Concorde Moment.” At this very second, there are two insanely advanced technologies gathering dust on a shelf at the thirteen Duane Reades across from your apartment.

I’m talking about Afrin and Zofran.

There are a lot of reasons why employees who call in sick with the sniffles should be fired, but one of the most compelling reasons is called Afrin. It’s a common misconception that there is no cure for a cold. There is a cure, my friends: Afrin, the drug the Tissue Industry doesn’t want you to know about. Afrin is a little bottle of liquid joy that can be sprayed up into your snot-clogged nostrils, instantly eliminating all congestion. Warning: side effects include severe dependency and possible disintegration of your nose resulting in chronic Voldemort-face.

And then there’s Zofran. How do you usually treat nausea? By drinking a can of Ginger Ale? Let me help you, please. Zofran, blessed be its name, is a tiny pill that literally deactivates the synapses in your brain that trigger nausea. Take one Zofran and you’ll be able to eat a Cafeteria-Grade Sloppy Joe with a hangover while watching the Human Centipede. Warning: I’m sure there’s a very disturbing reason why you need a prescription to buy Zofran. 

Yes, as you can tell, I am really running out of ideas for this website. 

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