Billion Dollar Idea #1: Jewish Snorkeling Masks
November 12, 2013

Billion Dollar Idea #1: Jewish Snorkeling Masks

Filed under World Improvements

The world is a shitty place to live, but it does have its perks. And I think you’ll agree that snorkeling may be the most wonderful perk Earth has to offer. That’s because it’s a rare combination of two of life’s greatest pleasures --- floating in a tropical ocean and watching nature shows in high-definition. Eating fried artichokes, finding $20 in a coat you haven’t worn since last winter, and seeing Charlize Theron naked in The Devil’s Advocate have NOTHING on snorkeling.

Expanding access to snorkeling has long been a priority for civil rights activists, and yet one issue in particular has received almost no publicity: the pervasive anti-Semitism of the snorkeling mask industry. The captains of the snorkeling mask industry have been conspiring for decades to keep Jews out of coral reefs.

How? By designing masks with overly restrictive nasal pieces. The nose sections of snorkel masks can accommodate only small, Christian noses --- hawk-nosed individuals like me can’t snorkel for more than 10 minutes without experiencing nose-crushing agony, forcing us to retreat back to the beach to lick our wounds and count our gold. 

It’s a sneaky but effective form of exclusion, sort of like when Ivy League schools started caring about “extra-curricular activities” to compensate for Jewish mastery of the SATs (true story, btw: see). In so many ways, snorkeling is the new golf. 

Well that ends today. Today I am announcing the launch of my new line of Jewish Snorkeling Masks, with more spacious snout regions and a wider breathing tube to allow more room for complaining about how the water is too salty and the sun is burning the backs of my legs, oh God.  

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